Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
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Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
5 ways to appear taller
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins