I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
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Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.