First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
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[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Ion see the issue
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.