You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
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Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
#catsoftwitter
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it