A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
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Tier 3 meme
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
*skinny dips into black hole
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.