I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
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[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
not for long
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right