DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
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Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Same pineapple, same
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season