Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
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Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I’m dying louder than usual today.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description