It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
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I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*