*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
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The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Meow?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Nice try, NASA
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”