[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
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My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win