Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
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[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3