Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
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Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Please do it!
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.