calling in to work dehydrated
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Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Peace was never an option
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
The legends speak of a third Duran…
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this