babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
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If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”