Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
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dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Life with a cat in one tweet
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes