you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
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I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it