*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
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“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Your honor these allegations are
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*