FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
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People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.