Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
You Might Also Like
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
pizza
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY