I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
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At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.