looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
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[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My love language is hissing.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows