I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
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old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what