Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
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Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?