[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
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For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.