Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
You Might Also Like
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Bloody internet 😳
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Blew out my flip flop…
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.