Does beer think about me too?
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
#Caturday
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question