The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
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I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
secret recipe
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep