In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
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texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
This fish is cracking me up
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.