It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
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Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
This kid will have a bright future.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.