Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
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‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.