My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
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God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee