Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.