Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
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Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?