My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Guy who likes music
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.