I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
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A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”