A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
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Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.