I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
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[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”