when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
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Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
#JohnTravolta
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.