[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
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Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
*updates tinder bio*
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
sistine chapel
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.