[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
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My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?