Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
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*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.