Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.