Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
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Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*