Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
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You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Lmao
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied