Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
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me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
The old gods are rising again.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars