The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
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I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards