My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
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My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
the only bumper sticker ill allow
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
scares
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.