Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
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People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
new career option?
i hope my email finds you on fire
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
greetings!
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.