If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
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If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.